Funny Gambling Quotes Sayings

Check out our collection of funny gambling jokes. We are sure they will make you laugh. If you have any gambling jokes as good, upload them at the bottom of this page.

“What Gutfreund said has become a legend at Salomon Brothers and a visceral part of its corporate. A funny gambling quote from a much-loved comedian. Mitch Hedberg’s deadpan style appealed to audiences across his short-lived career and poked fun at everyday observations. He became something of a cult icon before his premature death. Just like this quote, he used a lot of one-liners with snappy punchlines to get the laughs.

1) I just bet £100 at the bookies that they would find Maddie, at 1000-1 odds. That way, if they ever do find her, I’ll be able to afford a fucking good lawyer.
Check out Really Funny Lawyer Jokes

2) Chuck-E-Cheese, because it’s never too early to introduce your child to poor nutrition and gambling.

3) My wife has left me because I am a compulsive gambler. I’d do anything to win her back.

4) Poker is like sex – everyone thinks they’re the best, but most people don’t have a clue what they’re doing. Dutch Boyd
Check out Really Funny Sex Jokes

5) What’s the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino? In a casino, you really mean it.

6) A blond girl playing freeroll was taking her time and playing very slow. The timer was started and she still could not take a decision how to play the hand. Her friend asked her with surprise, “What is going on? Why aren’t you playing?” The blond girl replied, “I am playing! I am just slow-playing aces!”
Check out some of the funniest Dumb Blonde Jokes ever

7) Why didn’t the elephant like to play cards in the jungle? Because there were too many cheetahs.

8) They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction. My money’s on Dave.
Check out Really Funny Money Jokes

9) What did the giraffe say to the tiger at the poker table? I thought you were a cheetah.

10) What’s the difference between a poker player and a dog? In about ten years, the dog quits whining.
Check out Really Funny Animal Jokes

11) Whats the difference between online poker and live poker? You can cry after a bad beat online and no one will laugh at you.

Share these gambling jokes with your friends

12) Sign you might have a poker addiction: your kids are named check and raise.

13) I put a thousand pounds on a horse. The fucking thing collapsed.
Check out some of the best Horse Jokes ever published

14) Chuck Norris won the World Series of Poker using Pokemon cards.

15) “I am looking for the book named ‘How to win easily and fast with poker.'” “Please check at the fantastic literature counter.”

16. Husband Comes Home After Gambling

I came home from the pub four hours late last night.

“Where the fuck have you been?” screamed my wife.

I said, “I’ve been playing poker with some blokes.”

“Playing poker with some blokes?” she repeated. “Well, you can pack your bags and go!”

“So can you,” I said. “This isn’t our house anymore.”

17. Professional Gambler Screws Everyone In The Bar

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, “Bartender, I’d like to buy the house a round of drinks.”

The bartender said, “That’s fine, but we’re in the middle of the Depression, so I’ll need to see some money first.”

The guy pulled out a huge wad of notes and set them on the bar. The bartender can’t believe what he’s seeing. “Where did you get all that money?” asked the bartender.

“I’m a professional gambler,” replied the man.

The bartender said, “There’s no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?”

“Well, I only bet on sure things,” said the guy.

“Like what?” asked the bartender.

“Well, for example, I’ll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye,” he said.

The bartender thought about it. “Okay,” he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. “Aw, you screwed me,” said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

“I’ll give you another chance. I’ll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye,” said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, “Well, I know you’re not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I’ll take that bet.” So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

“Aw, you screwed me again!” protested the bartender.

“That’s how I win so much money, bartender. I’ll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars,” said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, “Bartender, I’ll give you one last chance. I’ll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whisky bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop.”

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn’t even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. “Okay, you’re on,” he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whisky bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, “Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!”

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, “That’s okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!”
Check out our awesome collection of Walks Into A Bar Jokes

Liked these gambling jokes? Then share them with everyone you know.

Related Links: 1. Gambling Jokes from Sickipedia.org 2. Gambling Jokes from Jokes4us.com

Liked this page?

Then why not get our iOS app from Apple App Store? Then you will have the world's biggest collection of jokes and inspiring quotes right in your pocket, and the app will work faster than the site, so it will save you time and keep you entertained.

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old gambling quotes, gambling sayings, and gambling proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.

List Of Motivational Gambling Quotes And Sayings

True luck consists not in holding the best of the cards at the table; luckiest is he who knows just when to rise and go home.

John Milton Hay

In gambling the many must lose in order that the few may win.

George Bernard Shaw

The gambling interests like to point to the construction jobs, but those jobs go away.

John Warren Kindt

The subject of gambling is all-encompassing. It combines man’s natural play instinct with his desire to know about his fate and his future.

Franz Rosenthal

Victory is a fleeting thing in the gambling business. Today’s winners are tomorrow’s blinking toads, dumb beasts with no hope.

Hunter S. Thompson

I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.

Fran Lebowitz

You brings in gambling into a major population base, and the more people you have going into a casino, the more people you have hooked on gambling.

John Warren Kindt

Best Inspirational Gambling Quotes And Proverbs

At the gambling table, there are no fathers and sons.

Chinese Proverb

Gambling has held human beings in thrall for millennia. It has been engaged in everywhere, from the dregs of society to the most respectable circles.

Peter L Bernstein

If you must play, decide upon three things at the start: the rules of the game, the stakes, and the quitting time.

Chinese Proverb

Funny Gambling Quotes Sayings Memes

Gambling operates under the premise that greed can be satisfied by luck.

Rita Mae Brown

Gambling is not a vice, it is an expression of our humanness. We gamble. Some do it at the gaming table, some do not. You play, you win, you play, you lose. You play.

Jeanette Winterson

Gambling is the great leveler. All men are equal at cards.

Nikolai Gogol

At gambling, the deadly sin is to mistake bad play for bad luck.

Ian Fleming

Funny Gambling Quotes Sayings Quotes

The gambling supply house catalog is distinctly not the safest place to learn about cheating devices, beware of catalog men.

John Scarne

Gambling makes boys selfish and cruel as well as men.

Thomas Hughes

Gambling is entertainment. People go to casinos to be entertained.

Eric Schneiderman

Top Humorous Gambling Quotes And Sayings

The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling.

Ambrose Bierce

Gambling is not as destructive as war or as boring as pornography. It is not as immoral as the business or as suicidal as watching television. And the percentages are better than religion.

Mario Puzo

Gambling can turn into a dangerous two-way street when you least expect it. Weird things happen suddenly, and your life can go all to pieces.

Hunter S. Thompson

A Gentleman is a man who will pay his gambling debts even when he knows he has been cheated.

Leo Tolstoy

Gambling with cards or dice or stocks is all one thing. It’s getting money without giving an equivalent for it.

Henry Ward Beecher

It’s hard to walk away from a winning streak, even harder to leave the table when you’re on a losing one.

Cara Bertoia

Funny Gambling Quotes Sayings Funny

Famous Motivational Gambling Quotes And Provervs

I want people to understand, gambling is not a bad thing if you do it within the framework of what it’s meant to be, which is fun and entertaining.

Michael Jordan

Gambling is an act of faith of gamblers. Prophecy is an act of faith of the saints.

Toba Beta

Gambling is a disease of barbarians superficially civilized.

Dean Inge

All gambling is the telling of a fortune, but of a monstrously depleted fortune, empty of everything save one numerical circumstance, shorn of all such richness as a voyage across the water, a fair man that loves you, a dark woman that means you harm.

Rebecca West

Gambling Quotes Funny

Time spent in a casino is time given to death, a foretaste of the hour when one’s flesh will be diverted to the purposes of the worm and not of the will.

Rebecca West

Gambling is a principle inherent in human nature.

Gambling Quotes And Sayings

Edmund Burke

Sayings About Gambling

By gaming we lose both our time and treasure: two things most precious to the life of man.

Owen Feltham